One Big Happy Family
by beesandbrews
Summary: When an alien ship crash lands on the Cardiff coastline, Jack has to ask his team to act in an extremely unusual way or risk all their lives. A Series 1 Story.


Jack stares for a second at the trio of offworlders exiting the Class 17 midrange cruiser and then looks beyond them watching as the waves lap placidly at the moonlit shoreline. He draws a deep breath and wonders briefly why the Universe has it in for him.

It's not that the Illian are difficult. Most of the time they're lovely. Okay, maybe this isn't the time to sugar coat things. They are extremely difficult. They are the epitome of a species that is used to getting their own way. From the appearance of the people disembarking, they've had a very bad day and they're looking for any excuse to spread the misery.

He's had about ninety seconds to prepare for this moment. As soon as he saw the distinctive colours and the identifying crest on the vessel he pulled his team back behind the seawall, grabbed Toshiko and Ianto by the shoulders so they had no choice but to pay attention to him and said, "Trust me. Our lives depend on you following my instructions exactly." Then he dropped the bombshell. "Ianto, I need you to kiss Toshiko like she's the most important person in your life."

He ignored Gwen's indignant cry of, "Jack!" and Owen's startled, "What are you on about, Harkness?" concentrating on the two people who he needed desperately to help him pull this charade off.

Ianto had stared at him like he'd lost his mind. Jack had been forced to order, "Do it!" between gritted teeth because there wasn't any time for arguing.

Toshiko looked up at him for affirmation. He'd offered her an apologetic smile. There just wasn't any other way. She nodded, trusting him implicitly and stepped into Ianto's personal space, sweeping the hair off her shoulder and out of the way as she leaned up on tiptoes to offer herself.

Ianto hesitated a fraction of a second, trusting Toshiko even if he didn't exactly trust Jack. He gathered her into his arms, holding her tightly as his eyes fluttered closed and his lips sought hers. His fingers drifted upward to her face caressing the curve of her cheekbone as his other hand fell to rest at the small of her back.

In its first moments it was such a tender, self conscious kiss that Jack felt a bit guilty. He should have made the others turn their backs. He should have turned his back, except he didn't have time and besides, this was just the warm up.

The kiss deepened and grew much more intense. They started to get lost in one another and it was obvious from the way that Toshiko was running her hands under Ianto's jacket that she was well on the way to forgetting they had an audience.

Jack stepped in and embraced them both, wrapping his arms around Ianto so that Toshiko was sandwiched between them. Ianto stiffened as he was brought abruptly back to the present by the feeling of Jack's fingertips against his stubble roughened jaw guiding his mouth. There wasn't time to be gentle and the kiss was as passionate as the awkward circumstances allowed.

Things were back on between them but only just, and kissing in front of their colleagues was not part of the arrangement. But Jack's skill and Toshiko's soft encouragement, "It's all right, Ianto. Trust him." won out and Ianto finally yielded, pouring his frustration and confusion into a kiss that left his chest heaving when they finally parted.

Jack knew he had a lot of explaining to do, but that would have to wait. He turned his attention to Toshiko. It was gratifying the way she melted into his embrace. He could feel her need for human contact. He could feel her awaking desire, just as he felt his own. He returned his attention to Ianto, running his hands down the valleys and planes of his body as he worked his way under layers of clothing until he was touching bare skin.

Toshiko followed his lead rubbing against them like a cat in heat, letting herself be stroked and caressed until they were all breathing more than a little unsteadily. Jack took a breath through his nose. Their co-mingled scent hung heavy and intoxicating on the air.

"All right. We're going in. Owen and Gwen, you keep your comms open and wait for my signal. Don't deviate. Don't speak until I give you permission. Do exactly as I instruct and we might all make it out of this in one piece."

He glances backward at Ianto and Toshiko. They are standing tall and straight . Their features are placid and they show no fear. Both of them are regarding the tall, milk-skinned travellers calmly, as if rendering assistance to royalty is a normal, everyday occurrence.

Jack is proud as he can be. He has seen some pretty cocky people drop their eyes and stammer apologies for accidentally being in the Illian presence. Of course it might be because they don't know the Illian reputation for blowing up restaurants with the lasers implanted in their eyes if they get bad table service. Or the way they can spit venom and hit a target ten feet a way or slit a throat with one of those over-manicured fingernails of theirs. Sometimes being ignorant is a good thing.

He steps forward to greet the Tal Ishi. There hasn't been time to brief anybody about what's going to happen next, so he hopes like hell that the others just follow along. The Illian have a lot of ingrained beliefs and customs. It's an old society and they've had plenty of time to get set in their ways. Jack takes a breath and temples his hands in front of his chest.

It's been a long time since he's used the Illian language. It's more lyric than prose and Jack doesn't need to look behind him to see Toshiko and Ianto exchange a sharp look when he breaks into song.

Despite his instructions, Tosh mutters something about the translator matrix engaging. They'll be able to understand soon but until the computer gets enough words to process, they won't be able to do more than follow along with the conversation. Until the language synthesizer kicks in the others must remain mute. It's a grave offence to speak in another tongue in the Tal Ishi's presence, something else he hasn't had time to explain since they arrived on scene.

Fortunately, the ritual greeting starts with a long, long list of compliments toward the Tal Ishi. He praises the Tal Ishi's beauty. Of the beguiling angle of his eye sockets and the lushness of his long, waist length hair. He even mentions the graceful sweep of his ear tips for good measure.

Jack lavishes praise on the cut of his clothes. He spends several choruses detailing how the silver fabric must sparkle under the light of Illiosis, their home world's moon.

He then moves on to the fine craftsmanship that went into the Illian ship, which he's pretty sure is called the Cel Aargo. There's a smear of muddy sand across the designation crest. He tries not to cringe when he mentions its name, hoping he hasn't gotten it wrong.

Coming up with a suitable string of compliments for the vessel poses a momentary challenge given it's barely survived its trip through the Rift, but he extols its fine lines and sturdiness and the skilful handling of its crew for making it this far under difficult circumstances.

And finally he closes with praise for the other members of the Tal Ishi's Triad, both of whom currently need medical attention and are looking a bit worse for wear. He sings of their beauty and courage. He sings of the pleasure they must bring to the Tal Ishi who would have none but the most sensual of companions to soften the weariness of space travel.

He hears Toshiko's soft, excited, "Got it!" from behind him. Now it's going to get interesting. It's Jack's turn to introduce himself and his people. He hopes they understand that it's just business and their lives depend on the next few minutes.

"I am Captain Jack Harkness," he sings in the language of the Illian. "These are the Corners of my Triad." He takes a breath and reaches his hands backward covering his sigh of relief when first Toshiko and then Ianto clasps their fingers in his.

He pulls them forward to present them to the Tal Ishi. He can imagine the looks of surprise that Toshiko and Ianto must be suppressing as he goes into great detail about their sexual prowess and their willingness to fulfil Jack's every whim.

The Illian leader sniffs delicately at the air and smells their co-mingled pheromones. Underneath his circlet of office the Tal Ishi's brow wrinkles. He scents apprehension as well as attraction. But it's a stressful situation for everybody and he's not looking too well himself, so he inclines his head signalling that he acknowledges Jack's authority on this lonesome stretch of coastline and that Jack's offer of assistance will be acceptable. There's a noticeable lessening of tension. No one's going to try and kill them... yet.

Jack requests to be allowed to bring others into the Tal Ishi's presence. The Tal Ishi bows once and begins to sing his permission. He only gets out a few phrases before he starts to crumble. The other members of his Triad rush forward to support him. Jack uses the distraction to mutter into his comm for Owen and Gwen to get the hell up there. There's a lot of work to do and not a lot of time to do it in.

Owen and Gwen stagger onto the beach carrying a pop up emergency shelter and a tool box between them. Owen takes one glance at the battered trio of aliens and swallows back an oath. He hands the tool box off to Toshiko while Gwen deploys the shelter. It's not up to the aesthetic standards of the Illian, but it it's roomy enough to do medical triage and will keep their guests out of the coming rain. Jack urges the Tal Ishi's Corners to help him inside.

He grabs Owen's arm. "Be very, very polite to these people. They take offence easily. No small talk. No jokes." Jack forces Owen to meet his eyes, willing him to understand the seriousness of the situation. "Trust me when I say they have no sense of humour."

Gwen is staring at him through her fringe with eyes that are large and full of hurt. It's obvious she's still wondering about the scene with Ianto and Toshiko and why he chose them over her.

He doesn't have time to deal with her questions. Later when they are alone, he will explain that she was too heavily scent marked by Rhys and Owen for Jack's ruse to work. "I promise we'll talk when this is over," he tells her. "Now go help Owen. This is important. Don't speak unless spoken to and even then, keep your answers short. Yes, Exalted One and No, Exalted One are best if you must address the Tal Ishi or members of his Triad. Understood?"

She nods her head, gives him one last lingering look, and follows Owen into the tent. Now there's just the Cel Aargo to deal with.

Ianto, the ever practical, has deployed fire suppressant over the engine compartment of the smouldering ship as a precaution. Toshiko is busy as well, fitting a pair of safety goggles over her eyes as she prepares to investigate the extent of the damage. Without comment, Ianto gives Jack a pair of goggles as well as a hand-held system analyser that's hooked up to one of their diagnostic computers. He then activates a pair of portable lamps, flooding the space with light.

Jack pulls on the goggles and surveys the damage to their guests' ship. He glances at the meter readout, but he trusts his gut more than any machine and takes the time to visually confirm the findings before handing the meter back to Ianto.

He can see the problems without the test gear. The coils for the navigation system's dampening circuit have sheared. There's other obvious but minor damage to the navigation system as well. The firing array for the ignition system is fried and appears to be the source of curls of black smoke trailing lazily out of the nose of the ship. Finally, it appears the cooling system is going to need recharging.

Jack goes into the tent and requests permission to get the spare parts they need to make the repairs out of the ship's stores. He watches Owen conduct himself with a rarely exhibited sense of gravitas. He's so proud of the doctor he could kiss him right there, if Owen weren't so busy using a dermal regenerator to close a long, bloody tear along the Tal Ishi's arm.

Gwen is being a perfect hostess. Though he can tell she is burning with curiosity she is silent as she opens a container of energy drink and holds it steady while the Tal Ishi's male consort, La Drishi drinks.

The female beckons him forward. She is the one designated to speak while the Tal Ishi is indisposed. Jack makes his request and she rises, insisting that her injuries are superficial. With a soft lyric offered in a sweetly soprano tone she excuses herself from the Tal Ishi's presence and goes to assist their rescuers.

They are fortunate. Everything they need is already on board and he won't have to send anybody to dig through the Hub's store of parts for things he's pretty sure aren't there anyway. The Illian don't normally travel anywhere near Earth, and he is positive this is the first time in his memory that they have fallen victim to the Rift.

He escorts Fa Drisha back to the tent, sings his thanks, and recruits Ianto to help him gather the parts they need while Toshiko strips away the damaged components.

"Are you going to tell me what the hell this is about?" Ianto hisses as soon as they are alone.

"It's for your protection." He doesn't have time to go into detail about Illian mores and customs. Ianto will have to settle for the short version. "I had to present myself as equal to the Tal Ishi and that included having my own Triad. Two consorts: one male, one female. In their culture it represents equal authority over both sexes. If I didn't get their respect, the situation could have turned ugly."

"You were marking us?" Ianto is angry and the composition of the pheromones he's giving off starts to change rapidly.

"Calm down." Jack pushes Ianto against the bulkhead and uses his body as a restraint, pressing close and making it impossible for Ianto to escape. Their hips are rubbing against each other as Ianto struggles in his grasp. Jack leans in. "I'm trying to protect you," he growls against Ianto's ear.

Ianto's expression changes in a heartbeat. There's a brief moment when he resembles the man who seduced Jack, simultaneously vulnerable and confident. There's even a barely there flash of trust.

Ianto stops struggling and Jack lets go of his arms. When he leans forward to brush their lips together Ianto tastes of confusion. But he must realise how important Jack's deception is because he puts more of himself into the kiss until he's the one in charge, commanding Jack to follow his lead as his tongue swipes possessively against the sensitive ridges of Jack's palate.

He's so damned observant. Jack knows Ianto hadn't missed the covetous glance the Tal Ishi had given him when they were introduced. He has no doubt the leader of the Illian Triad will make an offer for the members of his Cadre. One Jack will very, very, respectfully decline.

When they part, Ianto is looking at him strangely. It's an awkward moment, one of many they have recently shared. It's all part of a phase that Jack hopes they can pass through quickly. They have achieved a cordial working relationship. They are lovers of a sort, but they are still not friends. Jack misses Ianto's friendship.

"Come on," Jack says, stepping away. He brushes a hand through his hair ruffling it. It's a nervous gesture and he has to work to pull himself together. His issues with Ianto need to be tabled for another time.

"There's a new ignition assembly and the rest of what we need in the equipment bay." Jack hurries off to retrieve the parts from a series of storage lockers while Ianto trails behind him. "Let's get them patched up and out of here."

They gather the rest of the equipment and take it out to Toshiko. A light rain has started to fall. Ianto rigs a canopy out of an emergency blanket so that Jack and Toshiko can repair the ship without getting too drenched.

The three of them work well together. Ianto knows his way around a tool box, if not an alien cruiser, and makes an able assistant. Toshiko is just bloody brilliant, intuitively knowing how systems should work with only the barest of instruction. It takes them less than two hours to get the Illian ship spaceworthy again.

"Okay, same as before." Jack takes Ianto and Toshiko by the hands and together they enter the presence of the Tal Ishi. The Triad is resting. Their arms encircle one another as they draw strength from their communal bond.

Jack sings his apology for the interruption. When the Tal Ishi opens his silvery eyes they are languid and no longer etched with shared pain.

The parting ceremony is much longer than the one of greeting. The Tal Ishi offers his thanks for Jack's generous hospitality under difficult circumstances. He praises the Corners of Jack's Triad and those who make up his Cadre. He is most effusive about Owen's healing skills and makes a truly boggling offer for the permanent transfer of all of their services, suggesting heavily that Jack should align his Cadre with that of the Tal Ishi.

Jack is equally effusive in praising the generosity of the offer and deeply, deeply regretful that he must decline.

Unusually, the Tal Ishi leaves the offer on the table and bestows a medallion guaranteeing safe passage to the Illian home world any time Jack changes his mind.

Precious gemstones, the likes of which have never before been seen on Earth are placed at Jack's feet. Then a bottle fashioned from a gigantic diamond containing blood red liqueur made from the nectar and flowers of a rare plant that only blooms once every one hundred rotations.

Jack makes a token refusal before allowing Toshiko and Ianto to accept them on his behalf. He waits until his Corners have resumed their positions behind him, then he begins his song of farewell. It's been years since he's sung this much in one evening and Jack's throat feels raspy as he reaches the final chorus.

The last note dies away. The Illian Triad boards their ship. Jack sighs in relief as the Cel Aargo ascends straight upward and then winks out of sight. Automatically, he reaches out to gather his people close as they stare upward into a now empty sky.

"Well that was just...bizarre," Owen says, grateful he can speak his mind at last. "Did that Tal Ishi cove actually want to make me part of his harem?"

Jack chuckles. He's looking forward to the debriefing and although he can feel the frisson of curiosity buzzing in the air around him, he's decided to rest his voice and not to say a word until they are all safely back at the Hub. He flings an arm around Ianto's shoulders and puts the other around Toshiko's waist. Owen slips an arm around Gwen and the other around Toshiko for good measure. In this moment they are one big happy family and Jack couldn't be more content.

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